Barely a moment to breathe

The past week or two have been the usual end-of semester flurry for me with the exception of my mom and younger brother coming out to tour schools. I got to spend pre-finals weekend with them up around Salt Lake and with my cousin. The weather was amazing and part of me wanted rather badly to be up in the mountains with my favorite person. That Sunday night, though, we went to dinner at a family friend's house and Tim made it up as well so I got to drive back down with him.

Finals were completed amidst the clutter of keeping a supervisor-less-department afloat and meeting up with my mom and Spence as they toured down here. I love making lists and planning things out but they never go the way I plan because my priorities aren't in the right place for them to. Personally, I don't really see this as a problem as I like my priorities :P
I was greatly relieved, though, to finish my stats test, last one to go, on Thursday even though I left the test feeling less than stellar.

Now, it's on to summer and things are starting to get into swing. Between all the other things I was up to this past week, packing was not at the top of my list and so, typical of me, Amber and I ended up spending the greater part of Sunday hauling our numerous things across the parking lot and into our new apartment. Our room, that night, was a serious fire hazard as neither of us had really unpacked anything at all. It was probably one of the most productive birthday's I've ever had though, haha. Craziness aside, and aside from missing my family, it was really one of my best birthdays. How could it not be with someone as enthusiastic about surprises and as sweet as Tim? I've never been big on making a deal out of my birthday but his excitement was contagious :) He was nervous that I wouldn't like what he got me but he's got a great hold on the things I like and I was astounded when he presented me with a copy of The Library by Sarah Stewart and David Small. My neighbors growing up had this book and whenever I went to visit I would ask to read it. We got another book by these authors a few years later that I love too but I'll always have a spot in my heart for this book. I was so touched that he had tracked it down.

Because of the business of the day we didn't have much time to make the cake we'd planned on or to dye the eggs I'd wanted to but that means I've been able to spread my birthday out for a few days as we worked on the cake last night and the eggs still sit in the refrigerator patiently waking to be colored and covered in designs. :)

We've met three of our new roommates so far. One was actually our neighbor this past year and another just got back last night so I haven't really talked to her yet. The third is the one that Amber and I had contact with leading up to actually getting our stuff moved. She has a beautiful name that, ashamedly, I can't remember. But hey, it took me about a week to get my last roommates' names down so don't be too harsh :P I was concerned about getting to know new roommates again because, as good as my luck has been thus far, you figure that can't hold out forever, right? So far, though, I have been pleasantly surprised. Last night, I was informed suddenly that I was also invited to dinner with this roommate, her friend who I can already tell will be a constant presence in the apartment, and their friends from the ward. I was glad that Amber came as well and, as awkward as I am around new people, I had fun. We went to Applebees where there was this random woman making balloon animals and things that graced me with a giraffe and the people we were with were able to take my comments and throw them back, graciously considering some of them funny even. I think I'll like my new ward but I hope they're patient with my lack of ability to remember names :P

Now that I'm working full-time I'm bracing myself for a summer of long days and hoping that things will work out so that my nights aren't as sparse in Tim-time as they are right now. My mom suggested that I take up a hobby, something like bread-making perhaps, this summer to keep myself productive when I'm not at work. I know as well as she does that I do have a tendency to just veg out after a day of work and I don't want to end the summer with nothing but hours to show for it. But I think that this will be a busy summer whether I take up needle point or not ;)

Okay, I know what you're thinking. My first real post in ages and so far, not a youtube link or poem to speak of. I must be sick! Well, thankfully I'm not. I think that food poisoning will hold me over for quite some time actually, thank you. But, not one to disappoint, here are a few things for your viewing pleasure:

Here's to hoping your days began better than mine, which started with a blizzard. Yes, a blizzard in April. I don't understand it either :P

Early Easter

I wasn't going to post again until after all my finals madness had died (only Stats left!) but when I read this in my email I had to share it. My birthday is on Easter this year so this was very particular for me, I hope it touches you too.

The Empty Egg
A Sunday school teacher gave each of her students an empty Easter egg with the instructions to return the egg the next week filled with something that reminded them of Easter.
Shawn brought his egg back filled with jelly beans.
He said, "I love the candy I get in my Easter basket".
Kristen brought her egg back with a tiny apple blossom enclosed.
" Easter reminds me that spring is here."
Each child explained why they had filled their egg in their special way.
Soon it was Brian's turn and Brian's egg was empty. Brian had Downs Syndrome. The children made fun of him because he had done nothing.
The teacher asked Brian if he had misunderstood the assignment. "It's not fun unless we all participate," she said.
"But the tomb was empty", replied Brian. "Isn't that what Easter means?"
A few weeks later Brian died. His Sunday School Class walked down the aisle of the chapel and place empty Easter eggs in His casket before the lid was closed. Brian knew the true meaning of Easter, and he taught it to his classmates.

Thoughts for Jennifer

It's been such a beautiful day today. The sun came out, there was a pleasant breeze and I even saw a few tulips finally revealing their spring colors. You'd never know just by looking that one of the lights in the world has gone out.

A friend texted me today to tell me that a girl we both knew from high school had taken her life sometime between yesterday and today. I didn't know Jennifer all that well to be honest. She was a few grades below me and we ran in rather different circles but those circles crossed in cheer and photography class. I may not have been an intimate friend but what I knew of Jen was her enthusiasm for pretty much everything, especially cheer and photography. She was one of the most energetic and supportive people I knew. She was contagious.

When I first heard the news I was shocked. I knew that Jen's life wasn't exactly easy and school had been hard for her in many ways that would have destroyed other kids, but I never thought that this was where she'd end up. I was sad, because everyone always is for things like this, not being snarky, just honest. We should feel bad. It shows we still know how to feel.

Sad as it was to hear, the news was just that too me initially, news. I went off to choir, perturbed, but okay. It was in choir that my mind and my emotions caught up with me. [Here's where I start to ramble and hope it makes some kind of sense]

There are so many things that make suicide a tragedy. I can't even begin to count all of them and I'm not going to because sometimes that just adds insult to injury and we don't need more of that at the moment. No.

To best explain my thought process I'll take you through the context. Our choir's concert is tomorrow night so we were running through our pieces, making more tweaks and adjustments. As I've mentioned before, I have several pieces that I hold close to my heart and the first we sang is called This is my Father's world, arranged by Mack Wilberg. This song can bring me to tears every time we sing it, mostly because it makes me so happy. Today, I had to stop singing because, while the piece is a joyous one, I felt the most terrible sadness I have experienced in a long time and the tears would not be stopped. Here are the words:

This is my Father's world, and to my listening ears, all nature sings,

and round me rings the music of the spheres. This is my Father's world:

I rest me in the thought of rocks and trees; of skies and seas; His hand the

wonders wrought. This is my Father's world: the birds their carols raise,

the morning light, the lily white, declare their Maker's praise. This is

my Father's world: He shine sin all that's fair; in the rustling grass

I hear Him pass, He speaks to me everywhere. This is my Father's

world, O let me ne'er forget that though the wrong seems oft so strong,

God is the ruler yet. This is my Father's world: why should my

heart be sad? The Lord is King: let the heavens ring! God reigns:

let the earth be glad!

The Lord is King: let the heavens ring! God reigns: let the earth be glad!

I'll have to find a way to get the audio recording up after our concert. Anyway, I love this song because I feel it in me all the way to my toes. Tim was teasing me the other day because of how happy I was being about the green grass that's finally spreading color around here. I guess it does seem a little silly to be so excited about grass, but the reality is that this is how I see the world, taking pleasure and joy in even the little things. It is beautiful. It made me sad though, because there are so many things that Jen didn't know. I'm betting there are a lot of things that she knew, but may have forgotten for a time. But there is so much more that she didn't know. So many reasons to embrace life and find hope in everything around you. There is reason to find hope in yourself. This song mentions so many of the things I love about nature and God's creations but one thing it doesn't specifically talk about is His greatest creation: us. I know with all my heart and soul that we are God's children which probably means something somewhat different to me than it does to many of you who may be reading this. The essential fact of our being is miraculous and a blessing that promises more.

When we are in our darkest places and the people we love let us down, we are still not alone. I have felt the hand of the Lord in my own life too many times to deny His presence and love. It's something that touches you so deep that it can surprise you. He knows our struggles better than even we do and because of what He did for us, He can comfort us in anything. Christ didn't just sacrifice Himself for our sins, He accepted that weight which carried with it all the sorrows, loneliness and pain that we have ever felt, feel and will feel. I know this is true and my heart cries for those that have never experienced, or noted, that peaceful love and calm that He can bring into your life.

There was another song that caught me especially hard today, right in the chest. You know, that place somewhere in your sternum that just aches sometimes when you feel something so strongly you can't say it in words, sometimes you can't even think it.

This song is called Barter, the text [originally a poem] is by Sara Teasdale and the music is by Michael Eglin. I know I've shared the poem before but I want to again:

Life has loveliness to sell,

All beautiful and splendid things,

Blue waves whitened on a cliff,

Soaring fire that sways and sings,

Children's faces looking up

Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,

Music like a curve of gold,

Scent of pine trees in the rain,

Eyes that love you, arms that hold,

And for your spirit's still delight,

Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,

Buy it and never count the cost;

For one white singing hour of peace

Count many a year of strife well lost,

And for a breath of ecstasy

Give all you have been, or could be.

There are several lines in this song that I love but my favorite by far is "And for your spirit's still delight, Holy thoughts that star the night." You'd probably have to hear the song to understand the quiet, reverent intensity of those lines.

There are a lot of regrets one can have when they hear about the loss of a friend to suicide, more aptly named despair in my mind. Things that you could have done, contact you should have been better at keeping. For me, it's disappointment, in myself. Some will say it's an effect of what we call "the bubble" and living in down-town Mormonville. Perhaps it's my perspective on the gospel. Maybe it's just my specific personality. I know that what I believe is the biggest part of who I am. In my sociology class we've talked a lot about Modernism and Post-Modernism, two spins on the same, ultimately meaningless explanation for life. It seems ridiculous to me that anyone could believe that. That we are merely the end result of a massive game of chance. The idea alone sucks all hope and joy out of life for me, just thinking about it. But then I remember that there are people that see the world that way, whether because they believe it or because it's the only thing they've ever known. I remember that there are people for whom life is a fluke with no ultimate end goal. What a lonely world to live in. I could never bear it. I could never believe that to be true.

When I think about this, part of me becomes less puzzled as to why so many people opt out of living. I know that I would not want to live in a world like that. A world that teaches that we are just blips on a radar screen, here one moment and gone the next with nothing to show for it. What happens, then, to notions like love? It's no wonder they bring love down to a purely chemical level, electrodes firing in your brain. There is no room in our world's model for words like eternal. There is so much we think we know.

It's easy, here in "the bubble," knowing that most of those around you know what you know. It's easy to extrapolate that and think that everyone can see the world the way I do if they'd just look. Something I forget, is that it's not always easy for people to see that. Sometimes they just don't know how, sometimes they've closed their own eyes and, sometimes, someone else has closed them. This is why I'm disappointed. I am frustrated that I haven't done more to share the way I see the world, the happiness I find in it, with those I know. I think, for the first time, I've really understood why we consider missionary work so important. There is so much happiness in life, so much that is hear to make us happy and witness that we are loved.

My heart and prayers go out to Jen's family. I know that they will see her again and that knowledge eases the pain somewhat but for the fact that I know it, and they may not.

Madness!

[said in my best Lawrence voice: "How did I ever get tangled up in all this voodoo madness?"]

I am at work on this, the day of my daughter's wedding, haha. Actually, it's the second to last day of classes for the semester! Crazy, right? I know! Winter semester just has this way of flying by at the speed of light and even though my will to work is shot, the past week has kept me rather busy.

Last Tuesday saw me completely wiped out with food poisoning, from something I had made myself, of course. Unfortunately, the misfortune was not only my own, I texted Tim in the morning to find out that he'd been up all night with the same thing. It takes a lot for me to miss school. At home, I would have to be certifiably dying before my mom would let me skip and then, as I got older, before I would let myself skip. Vomiting repeatedly, though, is one of the few things that guarantees on my part. I haven't thrown up in years. The last time, and yes I remember the last time, was when I had my wisdom teeth removed and my stomach reacted badly to the pain meds and that time was the first in years. Honestly, as afraid as I am of a lot of other things, stomach illness it probably in my top 5 just because I loath it so much. I would rather have the flu than be setting up camp in the bathroom all day, hands down. Thankfully, the retching stopped in the late morning but there was no way I was leaving the apartment, I didn't set foot outside all day. I had realized, between sweating profusely and shivering violently, that my ballet practical final was that afternoon and emailed my teacher about my pathetic condition. I waited all morning with my laptop within arms reach, periodically checking my email to see her response. By noon there had been no word so I went and crashed for a couple of hours. When I woke at 3 I was greeted by an email that said if I didn't come to class I would be failed for that portion of the final, department policy. By then, class had been over for a while half hour. In one fell swoop it appeared that freak illness had butchered my grades. Of all the days to be sick!

On the bright side, I got to spend most of the day with Tim who came to commiserate with me, though by the afternoon he was feeling generally better than I who had developed a fabulous fever of unknown temperatures. It was great having my baby there though. He kept me drinking water, even though I hate it, and eating. I was sad to see him go.

By Wednesday I was feeling loads better which meant work, classes, trekking down to the dance department to plead my sad case, and chocolate. Yes. Chocolate. The head of ballet wasn't it when I stopped by so, like a creeper, I took a picture of the schedule they place outside office doors which handily had her email on it. Later that night I corresponded with her some and she said she'd check it out. Thursday morning, I got an email from my teacher saying that apparently I could either take a grade based on my performance in class or I could do the final after the written portion on Tuesday. Relieved, I opted for the latter as I figured spinning, even by Tuesday, would only hurt my grade :P

By the weekend, with final deadlines and finals themselves looming, I knew I needed to crack down. It was game time. I was going to tackle that book I should have been reading all semester and get it read in time to write my book review on Monday and Tuesday. Now, I accomplished this goal, but at what price? I read over 100 pages of scholarly material in one day. That much reading of that kind of material = brain totally fried. So now I'm struggling to get focused enough to not finish the semester on a bad note, which is hard because my capacity to focus is totally shot.

My class days this week have looked something like this:
Monday:

Submit finished project for Marriage and Family.
Work on Book Review for Sociology.
Read for New Testament if there's time.
Catch up in reading for Sociology if there's time.
Review for and take Stats quiz.

Tuesday:

Study for Ballet written final and take it.
Study for New Testament quiz and take it.
Finish Book Review because it's due tomorrow you procrastinating
lazy bum!
Catch up in reading for Sociology if there's time.

What actually happened on Monday:
Monday: Argue with computer over file size of Marriage and Family project.
Desperately try to attach to an email just in case.
Give up and go to work. Get there 5 minutes late.
Check online and rejoice that the document apparently did attach.
Run around like a headless chicken for whole shift.
Go to class and studiously avoid professor's eyes because you
didn't have time over the weekend to do the reading.
Hide in the library bathroom with vending machine snacks and
go over stats notes like you know what you're doing.
Leave bathroom because of noise and get distracted on a computer.
Go to class, make occasional remarks and be glad it'll be over soon.
Go home, make food, study more.
Go to class, take quiz, be incredibly grateful for professor generosity.
Learn about adorable duck floating event to take place.
Go home and convince roommates to go buy, decorate, and then
float rubber ducks down the stream.
Return home, eat, talk, and finally try to start paper.
Give up and go to bed.

Tuesday's been going a little more according to plan thus far with Ballet and New Testament checked off nice and neat.

You know summer's coming when they start cleaning out the pool. :P

General Conference

I can't imagine a better way to have spent the weekend :)

I know that when I was younger I didn't pay as much attention to General Conference, the speakers and their messages as I probably should have but the past two years have helped me develop real appreciation and gratitude for these opportunities we have to "listen to a prophet's voice." With this growing has come genuine excitement for these opportunities and the wonder that comes when you find questions answered through various talks and even the spirit that's present during the songs. I went into this conference weekend rather confused and scrambled about a lot of things and though I wasn't specifically looking for any answers I found them anyway.

For starters, the weekend was amazing simply because I got to spend basically all of it with Tim. We crashed at my place Saturday morning and despite a somewhat temperamental internet broadcast we were able to catch the first session before heading up to Salt Lake. I'd never been to a session live before so there are a lot of things I learned for this weekend's experience:

1. Get a parking pass
I had never heard of parking passes for conference until the Sunday before and
none had been included with the tickets my mom had sent me so Tim and I
had to scramble for parking. Thanks to an awesome old man, though, we
were steered away from streets that would guarantee us a ticket if we parked
there.

2. Get there early
In the words of a friend, if you get there early, you're late. Because we had
watched the first session in Provo and made a stop at Wal*Mart on the way up, we
didn't get into Salt Lake until around 1:30, which is when they apparently start
seating everyone. How they tell those with tickets apart from those with standby
tickets, I'll never know. Anyway, because we were a bit late and had to park about 6
blocks away, we got the full "standing in line with a lot of other people who
also don't know what they're doing or if it really matters what door we go in
or not" experience. We were nervously checking the time as the line, one of
several, slowly inched it's way toward the door.

3. If you're going to start spontaneous hymns, please know
the words and tune.
Protesters are par for the course when it comes to large church events, especially
conference. There was one mad standing close to where the lines were
who had a great big booming voice that I admired though I disagreed with
the things he was saying. A group of people in line behind us were complaining
about the protesters [once you've seen enough of them you just learn to ignore
them, complaining doesn't do any more than arguing with them does] and at several
points, attempted to start up some hymns to drown them out. Now, I'm all for
spontaneous singing, it may actually be one of the best ways to respond,
but it's only effective if 1. You know the words, 2. You know the tune, and
3. Other people join in. And in my experience you've got to have 1 and2
if you even hope to get three. Sadly, these folks had neither 1 nor 2 for
the songs they were singing. It provided a somewhat entertaining
backdrop as we waited though. :P

Finally, we got inside, past the metal detectors which were the perpetrators of
the whole hold-up and into the foyer where we tried to gather ourselves. We
were informed that the only seats left were in the terrace and the balcony.
My tickets had been forthe ground floor but considering it was about 2:10 by
the time we got in, we weren't complaining.

4. If you're in a crowd, keep moving your feet, even if you're standing in
place. People will see you moving and let you through.
This interesting tidbit came from Tim as we were trying to access the thronged
escalator after being informed that all terrace seating was full. The conference center
has several floors and escalators will take you all the way up. Apparently, though,
not everyone knew this trick because on the way, there was a massive pile-up on
one of the intermediate levels that almost forced people back down the up
escalator. With subtle technique and some blatant elbows, we made it to the
top and some open seats.

5. It doesn't matter where you sit.
Sure, I would get there earlier so I could sit closer if I ever go again [mostly
because my eyesight is awful] but the reality is that you don't need
front row seats to feel the spirit that just fills the whole room, massive as it
is. There's only one thing I've ever experienced like it, and that
was when President Monson came to BYU for a devotional. Hearing a sports
arena packed to bursting with college students get instantly quiet when the
Prophet entered is something I'll never forget. Just being in the same room
with so many General Authorities on Saturday was mind-blowing. For instance,
it's one thing to see and hear President Packer on TV or the internet, it's quite
another to see them setting up the chair that he sits in while the choir sang
and the amount of effort it took for him to get from his chair, to the pulpit and
back. When the screens to the side slid out to a view of the choir after he spoke
so as not to broadcast the physical difficulties involved in returning to his
seat, I was touched by the effort made that allowed him his quiet dignity. It was
a reminder of how human our leaders are, but instead of this reducing them
in my eyes it served to elevate my respect and reverence for them.
We know the Lord blesses his apostles and prophets, but that doesn't mean
they become exempt from the struggles that we all face in life.

After the session Tim and I headed back to the car amid sporadic rain drops that never really amounted to much, for which I was grateful. It was such a warm day that even the steady wind felt good but I didn't have a coat and getting wet is never on my list of priorities :P
Then we made the trek down to Delta, a drive that I generally don't mind but having driven up to S.L. and then having to drive an additional hour to the regular 1.5 made the day rather long. We arrived safe and sound though and Tim scooted off to the Priesthood session while I chilled with the girls of his family which included watching the second half of Tangled and holding the newest baby for a while.

Sunday was fabulous, though I'd been sad to hear that the cousins had left unexpectedly before I woke up. This left just me, Tim and his parents in the house, allowing for a quiet Sunday of screaming-children-less conference. We're not supposed to have favorites but I think the two morning sessions were mine, especially Sunday's. I was positively blown away by the messages shared by the brethren. Despite all the running around this weekend, it was probably the calmest two days I've had in a while. I am grateful for the peace that pervaded for those two days. Going into the final stretch, it was a spiritually filling experience much needed.

As many notes as I took during each session, I'll be glad when I can get a copy of the printed talks in the Ensign so I can review them, highlighting and annotating to my heart's content :)

The funny thing about experiences like conference is that it brings out just how easy it is for me, at least, to forget things. Not necessarily the words that were spoken, but the feelings and personal insights that accompanied those words. I felt assurance and peace on several topics in my life that I'm already struggling to hold onto. It's so hard sometimes to transition from such an amazing atmosphere back into the jaded, uncertain, and overwhelmed world without losing your grasp on those good feelings and thoughts. We keep journals for our posterity but I think we keep them for ourselves as well. Alma 46:8 says: Thus we see how quick the children of men do forget the Lord their God, yea, how quick to do iniquity, and to be led away by the evil one.
I think I've always looked at that scripture as those who forget doing so intentionally but I don't think that's always the case. Forgetting is generally not a conscious decision/act.

One thing I know for sure is that I did not want to come back to school and work, major bummer, that. :P

Butterflies

Have you ever thought about doing something, theoretically planned it out in your head maybe, but were never really able to grasp it as a solid idea until you talked about it to people? I think that happens with a lot of big decisions people are preparing to make, like going to college, where to go to college, etc. We don't function as isolated units so imagining a future just on our own isn't quite accurate and our minds recognize that.

So I go back and forth between being excited for and terrified about the direction my life is going in. I think the main reason I get worried is because as much as I try to picture what will happen I can't quite nail things down. What would it mean for housing? My job? My family? It's easy to slip into a comfort zone and stay there. I'm happy where I am for the most part. I love living with friends and being completely spontaneous if I want. There's a part of me that loves being single because that's what I know. Moving out of that arena, then, sets off alarms in my head, survival instincts of the easily panicked. I may have said before that I don't particularly like change. I like to settle into routines and be able to just coast sometimes but, as we talked about in my sociology class today, tensions in life are ever present and necessary because without it we do not grow and progress. I'm afraid of the dark so stepping out into it terrifies the living daylights out of me when I think about it, but if I don't step then it will hold me in place, never moving, possibly never even getting frustrated enough with stagnation to take the step purely out of spite.

I'm a big girl, right? Off to college and everything. Some might even border on the audacious and call me independent but lately I've been reminded of how much I still need other people, especially my family. We've never been what I would call super close. Often it was a good day during my high school years if we could get through a day without an argument breaking out. For me, this facilitated an environment where I never felt the need or desire to share particulars of my life, especially the social aspects of it. I'm regretting that now. It's a ditch I dug so deep that the thought of coming out of it can make me hyperventilate. This means that, somehow, I have to reconcile my automatic mental preparation of expecting the worst and the fear of that, with the need I have to ask for advice and to keep myself from inadvertently estranging my own family from my life.

Fear. It's such a ruling influence if you let it take hold of you. It can bind you down and sometimes literally cripple you. It's enlightening for me to remember that fear does not come from God. It's indeed a part of life as much as opposition and it's something that everyone learns to deal with throughout their lives in different ways but it is not a tool that is used to guide us. So when there are butterflies threatening to burst from my abdomen, it's comforting to know that the more knowledge I gain and the more I trust in the Lord, the more I won't fear. I just realized that people say "I don't need to be afraid." Isn't that interesting? I suppose it's an insignificant point, but I think "need" is the wrong word. We never need to fear just as we do not need to give in to temptation. They both come from the same source and how backwards would it be to think we need him? I think we mix up fear with humility. We don't need to fear the future, we need to humbly accept the fact that we can't predict everything and remember that the Lord is in control. His purposes will continue and He will protect us, even from ourselves, if we try to stay close to Him. Believing in Christ vs. believing Christ.

I do apologize for the somewhat esoteric nature of my recent musings. Part of making things real for me can mean writing them out :)
On a happy note: today is Friday! Huzzah! Bring on the weekend <3