Thoughts for Jennifer

It's been such a beautiful day today. The sun came out, there was a pleasant breeze and I even saw a few tulips finally revealing their spring colors. You'd never know just by looking that one of the lights in the world has gone out.

A friend texted me today to tell me that a girl we both knew from high school had taken her life sometime between yesterday and today. I didn't know Jennifer all that well to be honest. She was a few grades below me and we ran in rather different circles but those circles crossed in cheer and photography class. I may not have been an intimate friend but what I knew of Jen was her enthusiasm for pretty much everything, especially cheer and photography. She was one of the most energetic and supportive people I knew. She was contagious.

When I first heard the news I was shocked. I knew that Jen's life wasn't exactly easy and school had been hard for her in many ways that would have destroyed other kids, but I never thought that this was where she'd end up. I was sad, because everyone always is for things like this, not being snarky, just honest. We should feel bad. It shows we still know how to feel.

Sad as it was to hear, the news was just that too me initially, news. I went off to choir, perturbed, but okay. It was in choir that my mind and my emotions caught up with me. [Here's where I start to ramble and hope it makes some kind of sense]

There are so many things that make suicide a tragedy. I can't even begin to count all of them and I'm not going to because sometimes that just adds insult to injury and we don't need more of that at the moment. No.

To best explain my thought process I'll take you through the context. Our choir's concert is tomorrow night so we were running through our pieces, making more tweaks and adjustments. As I've mentioned before, I have several pieces that I hold close to my heart and the first we sang is called This is my Father's world, arranged by Mack Wilberg. This song can bring me to tears every time we sing it, mostly because it makes me so happy. Today, I had to stop singing because, while the piece is a joyous one, I felt the most terrible sadness I have experienced in a long time and the tears would not be stopped. Here are the words:

This is my Father's world, and to my listening ears, all nature sings,

and round me rings the music of the spheres. This is my Father's world:

I rest me in the thought of rocks and trees; of skies and seas; His hand the

wonders wrought. This is my Father's world: the birds their carols raise,

the morning light, the lily white, declare their Maker's praise. This is

my Father's world: He shine sin all that's fair; in the rustling grass

I hear Him pass, He speaks to me everywhere. This is my Father's

world, O let me ne'er forget that though the wrong seems oft so strong,

God is the ruler yet. This is my Father's world: why should my

heart be sad? The Lord is King: let the heavens ring! God reigns:

let the earth be glad!

The Lord is King: let the heavens ring! God reigns: let the earth be glad!

I'll have to find a way to get the audio recording up after our concert. Anyway, I love this song because I feel it in me all the way to my toes. Tim was teasing me the other day because of how happy I was being about the green grass that's finally spreading color around here. I guess it does seem a little silly to be so excited about grass, but the reality is that this is how I see the world, taking pleasure and joy in even the little things. It is beautiful. It made me sad though, because there are so many things that Jen didn't know. I'm betting there are a lot of things that she knew, but may have forgotten for a time. But there is so much more that she didn't know. So many reasons to embrace life and find hope in everything around you. There is reason to find hope in yourself. This song mentions so many of the things I love about nature and God's creations but one thing it doesn't specifically talk about is His greatest creation: us. I know with all my heart and soul that we are God's children which probably means something somewhat different to me than it does to many of you who may be reading this. The essential fact of our being is miraculous and a blessing that promises more.

When we are in our darkest places and the people we love let us down, we are still not alone. I have felt the hand of the Lord in my own life too many times to deny His presence and love. It's something that touches you so deep that it can surprise you. He knows our struggles better than even we do and because of what He did for us, He can comfort us in anything. Christ didn't just sacrifice Himself for our sins, He accepted that weight which carried with it all the sorrows, loneliness and pain that we have ever felt, feel and will feel. I know this is true and my heart cries for those that have never experienced, or noted, that peaceful love and calm that He can bring into your life.

There was another song that caught me especially hard today, right in the chest. You know, that place somewhere in your sternum that just aches sometimes when you feel something so strongly you can't say it in words, sometimes you can't even think it.

This song is called Barter, the text [originally a poem] is by Sara Teasdale and the music is by Michael Eglin. I know I've shared the poem before but I want to again:

Life has loveliness to sell,

All beautiful and splendid things,

Blue waves whitened on a cliff,

Soaring fire that sways and sings,

Children's faces looking up

Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,

Music like a curve of gold,

Scent of pine trees in the rain,

Eyes that love you, arms that hold,

And for your spirit's still delight,

Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,

Buy it and never count the cost;

For one white singing hour of peace

Count many a year of strife well lost,

And for a breath of ecstasy

Give all you have been, or could be.

There are several lines in this song that I love but my favorite by far is "And for your spirit's still delight, Holy thoughts that star the night." You'd probably have to hear the song to understand the quiet, reverent intensity of those lines.

There are a lot of regrets one can have when they hear about the loss of a friend to suicide, more aptly named despair in my mind. Things that you could have done, contact you should have been better at keeping. For me, it's disappointment, in myself. Some will say it's an effect of what we call "the bubble" and living in down-town Mormonville. Perhaps it's my perspective on the gospel. Maybe it's just my specific personality. I know that what I believe is the biggest part of who I am. In my sociology class we've talked a lot about Modernism and Post-Modernism, two spins on the same, ultimately meaningless explanation for life. It seems ridiculous to me that anyone could believe that. That we are merely the end result of a massive game of chance. The idea alone sucks all hope and joy out of life for me, just thinking about it. But then I remember that there are people that see the world that way, whether because they believe it or because it's the only thing they've ever known. I remember that there are people for whom life is a fluke with no ultimate end goal. What a lonely world to live in. I could never bear it. I could never believe that to be true.

When I think about this, part of me becomes less puzzled as to why so many people opt out of living. I know that I would not want to live in a world like that. A world that teaches that we are just blips on a radar screen, here one moment and gone the next with nothing to show for it. What happens, then, to notions like love? It's no wonder they bring love down to a purely chemical level, electrodes firing in your brain. There is no room in our world's model for words like eternal. There is so much we think we know.

It's easy, here in "the bubble," knowing that most of those around you know what you know. It's easy to extrapolate that and think that everyone can see the world the way I do if they'd just look. Something I forget, is that it's not always easy for people to see that. Sometimes they just don't know how, sometimes they've closed their own eyes and, sometimes, someone else has closed them. This is why I'm disappointed. I am frustrated that I haven't done more to share the way I see the world, the happiness I find in it, with those I know. I think, for the first time, I've really understood why we consider missionary work so important. There is so much happiness in life, so much that is hear to make us happy and witness that we are loved.

My heart and prayers go out to Jen's family. I know that they will see her again and that knowledge eases the pain somewhat but for the fact that I know it, and they may not.