Butterflies

Have you ever thought about doing something, theoretically planned it out in your head maybe, but were never really able to grasp it as a solid idea until you talked about it to people? I think that happens with a lot of big decisions people are preparing to make, like going to college, where to go to college, etc. We don't function as isolated units so imagining a future just on our own isn't quite accurate and our minds recognize that.

So I go back and forth between being excited for and terrified about the direction my life is going in. I think the main reason I get worried is because as much as I try to picture what will happen I can't quite nail things down. What would it mean for housing? My job? My family? It's easy to slip into a comfort zone and stay there. I'm happy where I am for the most part. I love living with friends and being completely spontaneous if I want. There's a part of me that loves being single because that's what I know. Moving out of that arena, then, sets off alarms in my head, survival instincts of the easily panicked. I may have said before that I don't particularly like change. I like to settle into routines and be able to just coast sometimes but, as we talked about in my sociology class today, tensions in life are ever present and necessary because without it we do not grow and progress. I'm afraid of the dark so stepping out into it terrifies the living daylights out of me when I think about it, but if I don't step then it will hold me in place, never moving, possibly never even getting frustrated enough with stagnation to take the step purely out of spite.

I'm a big girl, right? Off to college and everything. Some might even border on the audacious and call me independent but lately I've been reminded of how much I still need other people, especially my family. We've never been what I would call super close. Often it was a good day during my high school years if we could get through a day without an argument breaking out. For me, this facilitated an environment where I never felt the need or desire to share particulars of my life, especially the social aspects of it. I'm regretting that now. It's a ditch I dug so deep that the thought of coming out of it can make me hyperventilate. This means that, somehow, I have to reconcile my automatic mental preparation of expecting the worst and the fear of that, with the need I have to ask for advice and to keep myself from inadvertently estranging my own family from my life.

Fear. It's such a ruling influence if you let it take hold of you. It can bind you down and sometimes literally cripple you. It's enlightening for me to remember that fear does not come from God. It's indeed a part of life as much as opposition and it's something that everyone learns to deal with throughout their lives in different ways but it is not a tool that is used to guide us. So when there are butterflies threatening to burst from my abdomen, it's comforting to know that the more knowledge I gain and the more I trust in the Lord, the more I won't fear. I just realized that people say "I don't need to be afraid." Isn't that interesting? I suppose it's an insignificant point, but I think "need" is the wrong word. We never need to fear just as we do not need to give in to temptation. They both come from the same source and how backwards would it be to think we need him? I think we mix up fear with humility. We don't need to fear the future, we need to humbly accept the fact that we can't predict everything and remember that the Lord is in control. His purposes will continue and He will protect us, even from ourselves, if we try to stay close to Him. Believing in Christ vs. believing Christ.

I do apologize for the somewhat esoteric nature of my recent musings. Part of making things real for me can mean writing them out :)
On a happy note: today is Friday! Huzzah! Bring on the weekend <3