An in between place kind of day

You know, those days when you have no desire to do anything really, not even go back to bed? It's been one of those :P I did get up for a test review but they were serving doughnuts, who wouldn't go?

All of the snow we got yesterday melted but Utah, dependably undependable as it is, decided to replace it for us last night and I woke up again to a fluffy layer of the stuff which has been melting all day but we're getting another coat as I type. Why can't Utah just accept that spring is coming? I think the weather is in denial, I wish someone would disillusion it, I really want to walk around without a coat again.

Last night Tim and I went to see Chelsea in The Importance of Being Earnest which, having never read or seen before, I thought was hilarious. I've sat through and been in several plays and honestly, the kind of wit in this production is what I really enjoy.

Afterwards we dropped Chelsea off at a friend's apartment and went back to Tim's to upgrade my computer to Windows 7. I'm officially up to date on the peon technology scene! It took about 3 hours but my computer took to the new operating system and now I can play with all the fun little features that were added to this version. I can say that the bar at the bottom of the screen is honestly my favorite part. Unfortunately, the time it took to download made us both late for bed which continues to perpetuate the college cycle of sleep deprivation :P We nearly had heart-attacks when we went to pick up Chelsea though. No one was answering texts or calls and the apartment was dark. When I got home we discovered that Chelsea wasn't there which meant she hadn't walked. After calling her fiancé and sufficiently freaking him out as well as a few other people we found her, she'd passed out on the friend's house and thought someone was trying to kill her when I started banging on the door. It's not like Chelsea's a wimp or anything, in fact that girl could beat me up so fast it's not funny, rather terrifying actually. Still, being able to defend herself and being able to recognize situations in which such action would be necessary don't seem to merge for her often which makes for a girl you instinctively worry about and want to protect. I can't imagine how bad I'll be about my own children when I'm so protective of her!

Do you ever get into funks where you wonder if you're just in a temporary rut or if you're supposed to be changing things in your life? Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm just tired and need to stop thinking about things before I do things I don't really mean to or if I'm being given direction that I'm just not open to receiving. It's teaching me patience for sure, letting things sit for several days before even thinking about acting on them. It can be a hard place though when you just want sunshine and smiles :P

When snow attacks!

Last night Tim and I went on a walk and spent some time by the duck pond south of campus. It was fairly late and it had been snowing lightly for a bit but nothing significant. As we sat watching the ducks dive for food and chase each other around the pond a guy came walking down the hill from campus and stood at the other end of the pond. Just stood there. He was probably there for about 10-15 minutes before a person with a flashlight started down the hill. At first Tim and I thought they could both be campus police and for whatever reason they were taking turns at the pond. The flashlight guy walked the tree line for a minute before moving toward the pond and around toward the first guy who proceeded to walk back up the hill the way he came without talking to flashlight guy. To me, this seemed to confirm the possibility that they were working together but when flashlight guy got around to where we were sitting he started asking us if we knew anything about the guy who had been there. Officially a creeper, methinks. It made me really glad that I hadn't been there by myself, who knows if he'd have tried to approach me.

I figured last night that the snow wouldn't be anything big even if it went till morning because it wasn't sticking to anything but when I woke up we had about 4-5 inches on the ground and everything was coated in a thick covering of powdered sugar. On the way up to campus, the ramp blessedly clear, Chelsea and I did not totally escape the snow as handfuls of it began to drop from the trees above us like bombs. We both got hit a couple of times but the worst was when some of it nailed me right between my glasses and my face, getting into my eye and stinging more than water has any right to. No, Chelsea, my protective lenses of prescription did not save me that time. Altogether it was an entertaining walk for us and I bet those around us gleaned some humor from us as well when great globs of snow fell right in front of us as we walked. We probably looked like little kids afraid of the snow but it was a lot of fun :)

In my sociology class we discussed an article about self-image, self-love, and self-esteem. Reading it was an interesting experience because the author is going against everything that we grow up hearing about how we have to have good self-esteem and love for ourselves before we can really love anyone else. On that level it was somewhat uncomfortable and irritating because, of course, we don't like being told we're wrong, but on the other hand, the whole thing just rang true somewhere in my mind. Most people would recognize that someone who is self-absorbed is selfish and that's not a good thing to be but the idea here is that selfishness is a disease shared by those who are our stereotypical view of "self-absorbed" and those who are viewed as having "low-self-esteem" because both involve a person who is concerned with and focused on themselves. This is not to say that we should have a bad self-image. To me, this means that we should, instead, have no self-image. Perhaps this seems a bit esoteric and I suppose it is but we didn't make ourselves and we never can fully control how others view us so how can we have any self-image to begin with? I'm butchering this, haha.
Okay, when I was reading along in this article before class I was thinking about the scripture in Leviticus 19:18 that says "love thy neighbor as thyself." Growing up, I have heard so many times this scripture being applied to the need to love ourselves but the author makes the point that nowhere in this scripture does it allude to that. It is saying that we should love others at least as much as we love ourselves instead of judging them. I can't paraphrase this next part well enough so I'll type it out for you:

But contrast Leviticus 19:18 with what Christ says to his disciples
in John 13:34, in his last instructions to the first Twelve: "A new commandment
I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also
love one another." As John later points out, this "new" commandment has
been a commandment from the beginning (1 John 2:7,8). The law of Christ
fulfills the law of Moses by showing us what the law of Moses meant, so in giving
a new commandment, the Savior was revealing what stood behind the old one.
As I read these verses, just before his sacrifice Christ gave this new, fulfilling, and
basic commandment about love, a commandment in which we are told,
first, only to love one another. No qualifiers for that love are given.
Then, so there can be no mistaking this new commandment for the old
one -- so we can really understand what kind of love the love of our
neighbor should be -- we are given a new standard for that love: we are
told to love one another as Christ loves us, not as we love ourselves.
Later that night, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and the next day, on the cross,
Christ's suffering for us gives profound punctuation to the new commandment
and the love of which it speaks. Christ commands a love that empties
itself (to use the language of Philippians 2:7 -- "made himself of no
reputation" in the King James translation), a love that seeks not its own
glory, but the glory of another (John 8:50).
-- Self-Image, Self-Love, and Salvation, James E. Faulconer, pg 14

Mmm. Did you know that there was no such concept as self-esteem until very recently? It's true. The concept was created and pushed by, as much as it pains me to say, psychologist as the profession began to emerge. Funny how a world that existed without it for thousands of years is now so dependent on the idea. Funny how, in a world that says we need to focus on ourselves, get ourselves totally straightened away before we can truly pay attention to others, missionaries who have done nothing but serve others for two years come home and become depressed when "real life" sets in and they are consumed with thoughts of "my life," "my education," "my future." Funny.
Faulconer makes another excellent point [in my opinion] a few pages before this excerpt. He says:

In the second place, when the scriptures speak of God's love,
it is always his love of something other than himself --
of his children (Galatians 2:20, 1 John 4:11, and Moses 1:39),
of the world (John 3:16 and D&C 34:3). There are no
scriptural references to Divine self-love.
-- Self-Image, Self-Love, and Salvation, James E. Faulconer, pg 12
[italics added]

All throughout this class I was reminded of the words Pres. Hinckley's father wrote to him while he was serving his mission: "Forget yourself and go to work." Honestly, I believe this applies to more than just those serving in the mission field because our lives here are a labor for our salvation and that of others and to succeed, to save ourselves, we must forget ourselves.

Who would you want to meet?

Every week at work meeting a question shows up on our workstations that everyone in my department answers anonymously. They're just fun get to know you questions and some are sillier than others. The question this week, as you may have guessed, is what 4 living people would you most want to have dinner with? My supervisor specified that we could not list President Monson as one of our 4 people which probably set back everyone. For my part, I had the hardest time coming up with people I would want to meet. Everyone can list of the top people they'd like to talk to but most of the time all of those people are dead. The living, for whatever reason, seem to be less inspirational on the whole. I didn't think my answers were bad [President Eyring, John the Beloved, JKRowling, and Sarah Dessen] but it made me wonder if I'm the only person who has a hard time picking from amongst the living. So let me as you, who would you most want to meet if you could meet any 4 living persons, minus President Monson?

And I'd kick her, sir!

I love Anastasia :)

Instead of reading ahead for sociology last night, Amber, Chelsea and I watch 500 Days of Summer which neither Amber nor I had seen. The movie is incredibly well done, the cinematography is absolutely stunning and refreshingly unique. With that said, when the movie ended I was inexplicably angry. Well, it wasn't really inexplicable anger but the level of irritation was inexplicable. I was so worked up in my head that I was still angry when I went to bed, to the point of tears even [because my tear ducts are ridiculously connected to my frustration levels]. The movie ends well for the main character, he is, in the end, dynamic and he learns but it's the process of learning that angered me so much, probably due in large part to the resemblance of events in a friend's life recently. I don't want to dissuade anyone from seeing it, it's amazingly done, but for me, it may be a while before I can watch it again and I doubt the anger will ever go away.

On the bright side, I go to see Bryan last night after not hearing from him in about 2 weeks. The kid's been sick apparently [ironic because he claims to never get sick] and had a motorcycle's foot peg stab into his leg all the way down to the bone. I didn't get to see the wound because it's still bandaged but he's not limping which is good. It's hard for me to not be nosy with this one. He's generally not too forthcoming about how he's doing but prying is apt to touch on still tender spots. It's hard for me to understand sometimes why people I care about have to hurt so much. Some days I find myself praying harder than usual that they will have happiness in their lives again soon.

It was wonderful to hear the birds on my walk to work this morning. The more consistently they sing the more sure I am that spring really is coming soon, something I really can't wait for. Flip-flops, my long neglected lovers, are just itching to see the sun again. I want to go hiking in the mountains again, to find a bike and meander around town in capris with the wind in my hair and the warm sun on my back. Mmm. I was sitting outside Office Depot the other night, waiting to pick up Tim from work, and as I watched Best Buy employees load suspicious packages into their various vehicles I realized that late night, almost empty parking lots in urban areas remind me of summer. I can't put my finger on precisely why this is other than vague impressions of memories of sitting in such parking lots on several such occasions. Happy memories from childhood aren't always close to the surface in my mind and I'm generally surprised when they rise out of my peripherals. The accompanying feeling/sensation reminds me of a gentle, warm breeze blowing at my back, wrapping around my, especially my face where it brushes against my cheek in the softest of caresses before moving on and I see it go, trailing away in front of me like some mild-mannered phantom dissolving into the summer air of my memory.

Today is my second to last class in geology 100 and on Friday I must bid it adieu. As nice as it will be to have 6 additional hours of my week freed up for more work hours and homework time I will honestly miss this class. The semester has been entertaining to say the least between designated joke time and all the random dinosaur pictures my professor manages to fit into every lecture.

Blue October- Congratulations

Recently I've fallen in love with this song. I suppose this may mean I have a depressing taste in music but I thought I'd share it so it can haunt other people too. It's a rather sad song but there's something about it that draws you in and makes your heart cry out without conscious permission.

I miss the sound of your voice...

This has been a crazy and busy weekend, filled with basically everything but homework :P

Amber and I were cultured on Friday when we went to see Othello in our International Cinema. I'm an admirer of Shakespeare but I admittedly get a bit frustrated when he kills off my favorite characters. He does have some seriously kick-butt monologues like this one from Emilia:

But I do think it is their husbands' faults
If wives do fall: say that they slack their duties,
And pour our treasures into foreign laps,
Or else break out in peevish jealousies,
Throwing restraint upon us; or say they strike us,
Or scant our former having in despite;
Why, we have galls, and though we have some grace,
Yet have we some revenge. Let husbands know
Their wives have sense like them: they see and smell
And have their palates both for sweet and sour,
As husbands have. What is it that they do
When they change us for others? Is it sport?
I think it is: and doth affection breed it?
I think it doth: is't frailty that thus errs?
It is so too: and have not we affections,
Desires for sport, and frailty, as men have?
Then let them use us well: else let them know,
The ills we do, their ills instruct us so.

There was another one from her right before she launched into this but I can't seem to find it.

On Saturday Tim took me out to breakfast at Denny's. I'm sure he'd told me before how he's cold in the morning until he gets going but Saturday was the first time I'd ever witnessed it first-hand and I have to say I didn't like it. It seems so out of character for him to be cold and for me to be warmer than him. I spent a good portion of the drive there trying to warm up his hands because I was bizarrely worried by his lack of heat. Happily, he was right in reassuring me that the warmth comes. I felt better knowing he wasn't freezing to death after all :P

After breakfast Tim had to go to work but he suddenly offered me the use of Hopscotch [his car] for the shopping trip Amber, Chelsea, and I had planned for that day, missing only transportation. I can't describe how surprised I was by the offer and the incredible gratitude for his trust and generosity. The shopping trip wasn't really something that had to be done that day but he offered anyway, even though it would mean more use of his gas, etc. I'm still somewhat thrown by that gesture which was repeated today when, after watching a movie at his place, he had to be at work in ten minutes, not enough time to drive me home. I could have taken the bus and maybe that would have been better but he didn't even think about it, just told me to take his car. Honestly, I'm still boggled, in a good way I suppose. :)

The shopping trip was pretty epic though. We were, of course, looking for a wedding dress for our lovely engaged Chelsea. She was absolutely adorable about the whole thing. Amber and I ushered her into the bridal store, insisting that she try more dresses than just the one she'd fallen in love with online. To her credit, we probably got the best consultant in the place to help Chelsea and the two got along splendidly. It was so fun to see Chelsea play dress up, even if it was in a somewhat sentimentally adult way. Seeing such a small girl decked out in those wedding dresses reminded me of a child dressed up in her mother's clothes and heals but at the same time, Chelsea did not look like a child. It's hard sometimes to not picture her that way with her innocent and fun-loving personality but on Saturday she was all woman. I'm so excited for her beautiful future! After about 3 hours we were all still excited and ready to start narrowing down from the four favorites that had been chosen when the consultant came up, holding one more dress. She said she'd just found it on the rack and wanted Chelsea to try it on. The statement that it was on sale spurred us on as budgets are what they are. Once Chelsea came out of the dressing room we knew this was the one. The look on her face said it all and it was just....her in a way that none of the other dresses had been, beautiful though they were. The whole experience made the future events of the summer all the more real and as scary as that is for all of us, I think it also made them more exciting :]

The third of Tim's brothers that lives in the area [the one I haven't met] had invited Tim and I to dinner Sunday night and, despite Tim's utter lack of sleep, we went. On the way up I was being briefed on the little family I was about to meet including Brooklyn, the younger of the two daughters who had habitually cried every time Tim had ever held her and was apparently not too fond of strangers. I don't consider myself as one who has a great track record with small children and infants, of which there was one in the house, so I was somewhat apprehensive on top of my nerves over meeting yet another sibling. There's something more frightening about obtaining sibling approval than parental approval. This may be because, in my family, I would expect my siblings to be more frank in their opinions whereas, even if my mom doesn't like someone, she hedges the matter. That kind of sibling frankness is intimidating when it's possibly going to be aimed at you. I will be eternally grateful for having Tim through all of this. He makes meeting anyone more bearable.

When I told my roommates about all the information I had going into this meeting they were not at all surprised to find out that Brooklyn loved me. She was rather shy at first but I think we bonded over dinner where we smiled profusely at each other as she ate her stew in a most determined manner, even when she struggled to pick up a piece of potato with the wrong side of her spoon, several times. After running up to me and trying to get onto the couch only to run away at my offered assistance while we talked post-dinner she let me pick her up and carry her into the kitchen for dessert and even demanded a real hug before bed instead of hugging my leg because I was holding her baby brother which was altogether another matter. I spent the last two hours of our visit bouncing and then cradling little Xavier, rewarded with a bit of vomit and a warm tummy. I suppose I'd be presumptuous to assume that everyone has smelled a baby. They all smell the same to me but it is a beautiful, warm, yeasty, soft smell that can only be attributed to infants. Someone could probably explain the exact reason for the scent but that's not the important part for me. I just love it.

So, in the end, I, of course, loved the visit. Being nervous to meet Tim's family has always proved unnecessary :) It occurred to me, while I was playing with Brooklyn and holding Xavier, that I may be their aunt someday. As astounding and stunning as that thought is I reiterate that I doubt there is any family that I would like to be adopted into more. Besides, I have to make sure that wasn't a one-time fluke with Brooklyn :P

As a new school week faces me I battle by desire to stay in bed or at least out of class and work. This was our last break until the end of the semester and it feels like I'm preparing to hold my breath until it's all finally over. I've never been able to successfully dive underwater without holding my nose which I suppose is somewhat embarrassing but there it is. I know for this, though, I'll need both hands to make it through to the end in time. So here's to holding your breath, and smiling anyway :)

"I know in the end that just being here is the best and it only gets better"

Although at the moment I feel like a more angsty title I'll stick with this one because it more appropriately describes the overall feelings for today and lately in general.

Last night was the long-anticipated trip to WinCo and Chelsea got to come along. Neither of us had ever been to WinCo before so everything was incredibly new and rather exciting as far as grocery stores go :P For those of you not acquainted with the store, they have an area where there are various chocolates, nuts, seeds, grains, etc in big tube dispensers so you can get however much you'd like. There was so much chocolate that Chelsea was literally a kid in a candy store which was incredibly amusing to watch. Tim never should have worried that he'd built the place up too much. Can I just say that buying in bulk is awesome? Granted, I still need a lot of smaller portion things but I was so excited to buy Triscuits and other items in bulk size, something rather satisfying about that, really.

Ah, Friday :) This semester I truly say TGIF, especially because I don't have to be on campus until 11 these days. Getting a full 9 hours of sleep felt like heaven this morning, making for a great start to a pretty sweet day. I realized when I got up that I actually had options for breakfast courtesy of my shopping trip and I was baffled for a while as to what to eat. I love having shelves full of food and I know there's someone out there who would have loved the muffin I had this morning and hates me for only being able to eat half of it before being full, but don't worry stranger! I put the rest in a sandwich bag! It shall not be wasted!
In sociology we got to watch a movie about discovering how Joseph Smith really looked for the whole class period because my teacher was gone. It was just bonus that the movie was actually interesting :P

I've been thinking lately that I should maybe start planning out my classes for fall since we do register absurdly early. I'm not really sure where to start though, to be honest. Going back and forth between what GEs I have left and what major courses I'm actually allowed to take at this point can be rather confusing. It's also a little frightening to see the next two years getting laid out in front of you. Everything moves too fast when you grow up.

At the same time, there's no other place I'd really rather be than where I am now. As Demi so wonderfully says it: just being here is the best. It can be easy to forget all the things that got you to where you are today when you're caught up in all the things you have to do to get you to tomorrow. This isn't to say that we should start living in the past, but remembering all the awesome things that we've done and all the hard work we've given for the awesome things we have can be a great confidence booster when you feel like you're going nowhere fast. Remembering how daunted you felt applying to college or the first time you asked someone out and knowing that you survived can remind you that you can accomplish anything. Sometimes it'll take tears and sometimes you'll have to make major changes in what may have been "grand life plans" but where you end up in the long run after some elbow grease will always be better than where you began. I think people get down on themselves because they feel like they haven't done anything spectacular in their lives, they haven't done anything of note. This mentality ignores all the things that life has taught you which, in my opinion, should be the most note-worthy thing in anyone's life.

Puppy Love

I went to sleep last night, snuggled up to the stuffed animal puppy [dubbed Hinkle] that Tim gave me for Valentine's Day. I have always loved stuffed animals but I've never slept with them with any kind of consistency mostly because by morning they've usually been push to the side of the bed, if not off. This is mainly because I do an awful lot of tossing and turning in the night and the little fluffy things can get in the way. This morning, however, I awoke to discover that I was still holding Hinkle and hadn't relegated him to the wall side of the bed again. While this was technically due to the fact that apparently I hadn't tossed at all last night, it still made me smile.

One of my roommates collects rubber ducks. She has hundreds of them at home and a select portion of her collection with her here at school. I think if I ever collected anything with my children it would be stuffed animals. They would be everywhere.

Today I get to finally do my ballet midterm which promises sore muscles and held breath for the better part of an hour but I get to go to the dinosaur museum afterward! Yes, our school has a dinosaur museum. Granted, it's not very big at all and they have very few complete skeletons but it's still a pretty sweet place. I'm also looking forward to my first ever Windco [Winco?] adventure tonight. I need me some Triscuits.

Good news from yesterday: I did really well on both my tests! I did marginally well on my stats quiz but it's stats, I'm not too torn over it, especially since I just did all the extra credit last night....

The warm sun has left us today, leaving us with about a quarter inch of the 4 inches of snow we were predicted to get. You could tell yesterday that something was coming because around 2pm the wind picked up in a big way and continued on through the evening for quite some time, bringing with it clouds and then snow. It's so fun to watch the weather sometimes, especially when you know what's going on. As I walked across campus in the wind I thought about how the low pressure area that had been with us the past few days must have moved rather rapidly from Provo and now a higher pressure system was rushing in to take its place. Because nature hates a vacuum, right? As much as it has a propensity to destroy my hair, I really love wind, especially the wind we had. It reminded me of spring storms in New York that can pick up quick as anything, whipping tree limbs around in a frenzy and sometimes even blowing so hard as to flatten the field grass from last year right to the ground. In New York, though, such storms are accompanied with rain, now snow, especially at the end of such warm days. That kind of wind is warm with just a touch of a cool edge, carrying air that seems to be more substantial than the air puffed along by winter breezes. The air is fuller now, blowing in your face in a massive puff instead of skinny fingers that tug at your hair and coat. I know that spring will be much faster in passing here than it would be at home so I'm watching avidly for those days to make sure I don't miss any of them before the heat and airlessness of summer chase them away to shadier, more temperate climates.

I can't wait for school to be over, not that I hate my classes, but it'll be nice to not have to worry about homework for four months for a change. Plus, there are lots of road trips on the prospective calender for the summer. Amber, the only roommate who's staying, will have a car and we're looking at going to Canab for the 4th of July. She tells me that the fireworks are awesome there :) And, of course, a road trip to California is in the works because we can't let Chelsea get married without us there to celebrate with her! I'm also hoping to get to my mom's family reunion in July. It looks like there's a lot of driving ahead of me this summer but I'm actually looking forward to spending so much awesome time with Amber and probably Tim as well :)

I wake up every morning feeling like...myself

Usually anyway.
It's amazing what an extra hour or two of sleep [compared to your average for the past two weeks] can do for you. I'll have to try that more often :P

So, despite 2 tests, a stats quiz, almost no food in my backpack, and a 3 page paper to write tonight, today is looking better than yesterday. The warm weather seems to have held on for another day and I'm looking forward to a delicious dinner and a walk with Tim. Currently, I'm holding down the fort at work as my supervisor is still out sick, making it a full week since she's been in between this and a trip she had last week. My coworker is also MIA. I assume she's sick as well but I really should get her number sometime just so I can make sure she's alright. At any rate, it's a good thing I didn't decide to come late to work this morning.

One of the songs we are singing in choir is called Barter and it's a poem by Sara Teasdale set to music. I'm not entirely sure about the music just yet as we're still getting used to it, but I absolutely love the poem:

Life has loveliness to sell,
All beautiful and splendid things,
Blue waves whitened on a cliff,
Soaring fire that sways and sings,
And children’s faces looking up
Holding wonder like a cup.

Life has loveliness to sell,
Music like a curve of gold,
Scent of pine trees in the rain,
Eyes that love you, arms that hold,
And for your spirit’s still delight,
Holy thoughts that star the night.

Spend all you have for loveliness,
Buy it and never count the cost;
For one white singing hour of peace
Count many a year of strife well lost,
And for a breath of ecstasy
Give all you have been, or could be.

I especially love the last two lines of the first stanza and the whole last stanza. Mmm, gives me chills :)

It smells like spring outside this morning and it makes me excited for the coming season. Winter can be beautiful, to be sure, but it is so sharp and often bitter in my noise that I more than welcome the rich, earthy scent of spring. A scent that smells of soil, sunshine, rain, and warm breezes all at once. It makes me think of dark earth and the first flowers of the season poking out and up towards the blue blue sky where all kinds of clouds drift along. My favorites are the fluffy cumulus clouds, white and happy as cotton, but I enjoy the high wispy clouds that look like stretched cotton candy as well. I can't wait to hike mountain trails again, camera in hand, delighting in the greenness of the plant life and the breath of nature, full of energy and growth. There's nothing like spring to make me miss the country with its many many trees, field full of long grass swaying like the ocean in the breeze, the way sunrise filters through the canopy, bathing everything in a fresh green light. I wish spring would hurry up and get here.

Nothing is unaffected

It's incredible how something can get you so down that you can't even bring yourself to recognize the good things. While I was writing my last entry I had, at the back of my mind, all of the wonderful things about yesterday; how warm and sunny it was, how much fun I had talking to my roommates and getting surprised by Tim with Amber's help, buying all the supplies for a nice steak dinner and then ordering out pizza instead, watching one of my favorite movies with someone I love. But I couldn't bring myself to mention them. I literally meant, several times, to bring up the happy moments but I couldn't bring myself to type the words because, even though I knew that they had made me happy, that happiness couldn't penetrate how I was feeling without feeling like a lie, something I made up to put on a face. Weird how frustration and sadness can so easily blot out smiles and laughter like a dark, dense cloud passing over the sun. Every second that the world stays in shadow feels like a year, every year a year too long.

Treading water

Everyone talks about potential and how much of it you have but it can be hard to see potential when you feel like you're already 100% kinetic and giving everything you have.

I've always been an emotionally compulsive eater which makes me wish I'd brought more candy with me to class today. Really, I should be the poster girl for American obesity by now, sometimes I wish I was.

Thankfully there's a three day weekend this week over which I can recover from the 4 tests I'm to take by tomorrow and to get enough sleep that the current void in my mind can begin to function as a thought center again. Of all the days to want to crawl back into bed and ignore the world :P

So, this feels somewhat obnoxious but making a "gratitude" list is the only thing I can think to do that won't make anything worse right now. Here goes, in eloquent bullet points I am grateful for:
~warmer weather
~sunshine instead of frost
~sweaters
~birds that sing in the morning
~the sense of taste
~moderately comfortable office chairs
~socks
~pizza to go
~leftovers
~bobby pins and scarves
~chocolate
~roommates that don't press you for information when you're quiet
~my health
~puppies
~doors that open both ways
~the peaceful quiet of the morning
~how nature is always there, whether we are or not
~toothbrushes
~warm carpet
~having 2 bathrooms in a 6-girl apartment instead of just 1
~sock puppets
~post-its
~my education and place of education
~my friends
~flavored water
~a paycheck
~surprises and stuffed animals
~programs that correct my atrocious spelling for me

The list is and should be longer but I've got other things to get to before I let this consume my morning. Keeping fingers crossed for a good high temp today!

I used to wake up to birds singing...

Now it's the dulcet tones of an electric toothbrush that wake me from my slumber.

So, my roommate got engaged on Friday! I am so excited for her and her fiance. The major bummer is that he was only out for five days and he flies back to California later this afternoon which I know is going to be hard for her. Opening night for The Importance of Being Earnest [the play she's in right now] is tonight, plus it's Valentine's Day so this separation which would be painful on a normal day is bound to be that much more potent today.

Especially in situations like these I am finding myself torn because I'm going to Tim's right after class tonight for the rest of the evening which I have been excited for since he started teasing me about this "surprise" he's constructed but part of me feels like I may be a bad friend for not staying home and taking care of Chelsea. I know that this time in our lives, especially as friends start getting married, etc, it's generally time for some space to grow between but I want to have everything, to be able to take care of everyone. What I'm finding out is that doesn't work so well and someone always ends up feeling less important. I know where I need to focus my priorities but it's hard for me to let go of some habits and impulses. I only hope I can learn to balance them before I'm left with nothing and no one to balance and that my friends will be forgiving along the way.

Valentine's day in elementary school was always the best. You'd board the bus in the morning with a mass of [probably] store-bought cards that your mom spent an hour finishing for you the night before when you ran out of patience and some treats your mother baked for the class, more likely covered in red and pink frosting than not. At school, you'd cram your surprises into/under your desk until it was time for the party and as you passed out your valentines, which always seemed special even though everyone got one, you'd try not to peak into your box, decorated with so many hearts and ribbons that finding the open slot was like a scavenger hunt.
I may not be much for the extravagance of today's holiday anymore but there is still one thing I love: making cards. Even after the elementary parties faded to memories I still made at least one card every year and the making of the card was often more fun than the giving of it. I'm not sure why but I just enjoy getting crafty with paper, glue, and pens. I'm working on Tim's right now and I hope he doesn't mind the somewhat frilly nature of it despite the lack of ribbon :P

Nothing quite like dinner, a movie, and a back rub

My baby spoils me, he really does. I've been pretty sleep deprived in a bad way this week and, even though I'm sure he'd rather have done something more interesting last night he basically catered to me, which he does all the time really. That, plus my headache made me feel vaguely like a 5 year old who is sick, but in a good way. Tim gets a little frustrated sometimes because I have a hard time making decisions about little things like what I'd like to do first, movie or back rub. He ended up asking me last night if I had any preferences whatsoever and I answered honestly "not really." And I don't. Sure there are some things I don't like but the majority of the time I'm more concerned about catering to someone else's preferences rather than my own.

So Zac comes today, my roommate's beau. I've known this kid for about a year now but I've never actually met him, saying "hi" over skype doesn't count either so it'll be weird to finally occupy the same space for once. Chelsea's ecstatic because they haven't seen each other since Thanksgiving and the time apart is wearing on both of them. He's only here till Monday though and I worry some that the goings on of this weekend will feel more formally business like in transaction for the sake of time. I'll just have to wait for things to pan out.

Nothing like the walk to school for vent time. Living with 4 other girls can raise a lot of heckles and despite my propensity to empathize with basically anyone there are times when I can't anymore simply because it's too much. I can only make sympathetic noises about the same old complaints so many times when the person doesn't do anything to help themselves. Hopefully my patience for this increases in the future so I don't lose clients :P Thank goodness Tim hasn't lost patience with me yet, heaven knows I talk his ear off on occasion.

There is little more frustrating than wanting to write, trying to write, and not being able to. I suppose this is why I'd never be a famous writer :P I had this infuriating problem yesterday afternoon when I was trying to occupy time constructively. It's been a while since I've written anything but just sitting down and writing rarely works. Luckily, somethings, like a new notepad, can do the trick occasionally as was happily the case. Now I am toying with what I consider a fairly delightful piece that may or may not go somewhere I like. I'll be sure to post it if it does though because I like sharing, yes I do.

I need to start reading again. Amber and I have made up a book list for the summer since all we'll really be doing is work. This list is so overdue and I wish I had the time to start it now. College teaches you so much but it robs you of time for personal stress-relief and imagination expansion which was my favorite part of childhood. I love the feeling of devouring a book, knowing you'll go back to read it again because you've jumped in and swam as fast as you could, taking in only emotional impressions and sweeping ideas, but loving the rush of words like a spring breeze through your mind. To quote the Phantom "silently the senses abandon their defenses." Reading lets you travel to places you've never been and, often, never will be, to meet people so intriguing and as simple or complex as you please that you'll wonder if you were really in that conversation. Good literature feeds the mind the way good scripture feeds the soul and sometimes the lines are crossed and each enriches the other. I decided at a very young age that I will read to my children extensively. I will introduce them to the wonders of childrens books, inspiring memoirs, fantastical fiction and maybe even some non-fiction ;) To share my love of reading with my children would be one of the best things I think I could do as a mother.

There are some days when I want to be that person

The one who spontaneously bursts out in an uncontainable explosion of joy/excitement/happiness/what-have-you. Yesterday I wanted to be that person and, on my walk home from totally wrecking [in my opinion] a Sociology test that I had barely studied for and was terrified to take, I kind of was and it made me smile.

I was so spoiled yesterday between good classes, Tim buying me Sonic for lunch [he didn't go for the idea that that constituted his valentines gift to me] and doing well on that test. Yesterday was the kind of day that I wish every day could be like. The weather was even pretty nice until the evening when temperatures decided to drop to facilitate the small layer of snow we have this morning. Even though every day may not be as nice the week as a whole is looking pretty good thankfully.

I find myself constantly in the dilemma of wanting something sweet and sugary to eat but not having anything because I don't buy anything like that. Living on a college budget really cramps my style of satisfying my food cravings. It must be nice to be one of those kids whose parents pay for everything so they don't have to work or buy their own food. Must be nice. However, I have caught wind of a fantastical place called Windco that seems to be along the same lines as Sam's Club and Costco but without the required membership. I think I shall make a trip sometime to this place and glory in the joys of bulk-buying. :P

Can we go back to the time when weekends were lazy sleep days?

I honestly believe that I'm getting less sleep on the weekend than I get during the week, my own fault of course. Friday night we had a party for Amber's birthday, complete with green cake with purple frosting, pineapple, and a super awesome blanket fort held up by scarves. I can't remember the last time I made a blanket fort so I was rather proud of the architectural accomplishment.

Saturday was an early morning to head to the temple for the first time in roughly two months. I love how many people I always see there, even at 9am on a Saturday. It's so inspiring to see so many students dedicated to the work, even if the length of the line makes me a little late getting out :) I wish we had this kind of attendance at all the temples.
Despite a 2 hour nap after I got home I was still rather tired the rest of the day which complicated my efforts to get homework done, making them largely unsuccessful. I did get to spend Saturday night with Tim though which, while involving some serious conversations, was a good time. I love being with him and that we can talk out basically anything that's bothering us.

Thanks to it being the first Sunday of the month, I didn't have to teach a lesson in Relief Society which took some strain off my weekend. After getting my ecclesiastical endorsement secured and showering for what was probably the first time in three days, Tim and I headed down to Delta, or as the natives pronounce it: Delwda. While Tim and his father went off to do tax forms I offered to help his mother with dinner and happily mixed up brownies and set the table. When Tim and his father returned we were almost ready to eat and there wasn't much left to help with to his disappointment. When he asked if he could do anything his mother started to say something and then stopped. She then said "I was going to say you're wife is doing a great job..."
I was laughing so hard simply because she's so adorable. Tim and I talked about this on the way home and he pointed out that his mother already considers me a part of their family which explains the slip and I have to say I don't mind at all :)
I honestly enjoy spending time with Tim's family. His parents are wonderful and everyone is incredibly nice and inclusive. They make it very easy to feel comfortable and at home. It's so fun for me to be able to take part in that environment and even contribute to the fun sometimes. His family is partially convinced that I'm a card-shark now because I won the card game they taught me last night by a pretty good margin, haha.
I don't think there could be another family that I'd like to be adopted into more.

Fail mail: you are an envelope without a stamp

I love the insults my friends come up with, they're so very entertaining :)

Well, I'm not quite as far behind as I thought I was getting. My excuse is that the past two days, and today as well, have been freaking cold. I know my family on the East Coast is getting slammed by snow for the third week in a row but I would honestly rather have snow than the flat-out painfully frigid weather we've been having. At least if it was snowing they'd close school. Apparently negative temperatures with windchill to boot don't count as a health hazard around here. You know, the only thing I'm going to ask for my birthday and Christmas for the remaining years I stay here will be for an accurate weather forecast for Utah. Seriously, what good are meteorologists if they can't even get close?

In my family I am the only one who can list off everyone's birthdays without a second thought so I consider myself somewhat of a pro at remembering important dates. This idea was destroyed last night when I found out that Tim remembers the date of the first time he held me, the first time we kissed, and when we started officially going out. I remember all of these events but I only had a general time line for them and he just listed them right off. The incredible irony to this was that yesterday was apparently our 3 month anniversary. Not that I plan on "celebrating" our anniversary monthly as does Tim's roommate's girlfriend, that's a little much. Unfortunately, it hadn't been the best day for him, compounded by a speeding ticket and getting booted at my apartment complex which is apparently completely anal about enforcing their 24/7 booting rule. I guess that's what I get for living in an area that doesn't have enough parking for the people who have cars, let alone the entire resident population. Thankfully, delicious spaghetti and a good nights rest help to make a new day look a little brighter.

For me, the day took an interesting twist when my Statistics teacher handed back the computational portion of our first exam. The part where I figured I had lost at least 4 points when I took the test. I had received full credit on all the problems. While most people would be ecstatic about this, and I was pleased, for me it was actually more irritating than enjoyable. Math, specifically taking math tests, is the only thing that can instantly infuriate and confuse me, destroy my confidence and, to a certain extent, my will to live. I have probably cried over math tests as frequently or more often then I've cried over relationship stuff and the same holds true for stress levels and self-confidence. Which is why I don't understand how I get good grades in these classes. I took every single math class offered in my high school, even AP Statistics which was absolute suicide. I took them, did well in them, and hated every single one. The general concept is to do the things you're good at, but I don't believe in doing something that makes you feel useless and worthless, whether you prove to be good at it or not.

In other news, it's Thursday and you know what that means. Weekend preparations have already begun and include celebrating Amber's birthday tomorrow with everything pineapple, studying for my first Sociology of the LDS People exam (ah!), too the temple!, homework homework glorious homework, prepping my Relief Society lesson, and hopefully figuring out why my laptop suddenly decided this week that I don't have speakers anymore. Oh, also food and sleep. Lots of sleep.